An Anniversary I would rather not have.

OK so a weird title eh?

It was the anniversary, during the week, of an event that I am not going to enlarge on here, for reasons too personal to mention but suffice to say that this time last year I was suffering from pretty severe depression, as anyone who knows me at all will have been well aware.

I had actually been suffering from depression for a couple of years and it hadn’t been taken overly seriously up to this point but during January last year things got so bad that people did begin to sit up and take notice.

I think things had to reach a real bad low before the professionals would take me seriously, which they did eventually do, this time last year things had got so bad that, to be totally blunt I wasn’t bothered whether I lived or died, and that is a pretty bad place to be for all sorts of reasons.

No one could convince me that life was worth living or that I had any purpose or value at all, if I am totally honest, and I do try to be, I would say I am still not sure exactly what value my life has but that is another story altogether.

Anyhow, as anyone who knows me and was involved with that part of my life, nothing and no one could convince me that there was any point or purpose in my existence.

Depression is a pretty devastating illness in that you just loose all perspective and al grip on reality is gone, alongside that I had huge trouble with my memory, not that its ever been that great but that is another story, I got so that I could barely remember something that was said to me just minutes before, it was pretty shocking how bad that was and tiredness, all I wanted to do was sleep, I would have been content to let the whole world pass me by as I slept.

As I have already said, I had lost all perspective, to me the grief and the tough stuff in life loomed larger than the good stuff and I couldn’t cope, I just felt that the world was caving in around me and it would have been better for me to be out of the equation, to even think that I might be of use or have a purpose here would have been out of the question, such is the depth of depression that it was pretty much impossible for me to conceive of life ever changing, I couldn’t even remember better times gone by, of which there had been many.

It was during this time, a time when I felt abandoned and deserted by God, a time when I felt that God hated me, in fact being totally up front with you, I hated him too, for abandoning me, a time when I felt as though everyone was against me.

It was into this time that real friendships were forged, it was during this time that so many really showed their care and love for me, and for us as a family, it was in the darkness of those days, when I could no longer cling to anything that my friends instead clung to me, and boy did they have to cling!

These friends, in a very real way, kept me in one piece, by their thoughts and actions as well as their prayers, those who were Christians, but every one of them was so precious and valuable to me and played a huge part in keeping me from sinking further, if that were possible.

Anyhow, as I said, my relationship with God was at an all time low, a strange experience for me as I became a Christian out of a pretty dire situation emotionally and had never known this depth of feeling abandoned before. It was as if God had just shut the door on me and left me out on a stormy night with no shelter or food and was totally oblivious to my knocking on the door to be let in.

During this time my counsellor, I begun counselling in about February of last year, said that she believe I could get better and would get better and asked for permission to hold that light of hope for me as I couldn’t hold it for myself, it was a strange concept for me at the time but I think in many ways this is exactly what all my friends were doing for me, holding a light of hope, holding a candle of hope, keeping the light lit because I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it for myself.

The other thing about Depression that makes it such a difficult illness, and it is an illness, is the misunderstanding and naivety that surrounds it, people have said some pretty dumb things to those who suffer from Depression, including to me, and the worst offenders have been Christians, things like, ‘of course you could be healed if you only wanted to’ ‘just ask God to give you healing and believe and you will be healed’ ‘snap out of it’ ‘you’re just being selfish’ and the list could go on, one of the reasons why it is so misunderstood is because it is not easy to understand depression, and people don’t like admitting they don’t have the answers so they come up with stupid answers to cover their inadequacy, also its to do with the emotions and people, especially us brits I am told but I think it is most nationalities, struggle with emotions at the best of times,  guys, you don’t need to understand Depression to help someone with depression, all they need to know is that you are there for them, there to talk to, there to help, there offering to cook for them, or wash or clean or take the kids off their hands, there to cry with them and to laugh with them, yes even people with depression are capable of laughing, I did even in my darkest moments.

What I can tell you about Depression, just a little medical stuff because it does help you to be less scared of it, is this, it is a medical condition where the levels of certain chemicals in the brain are too low,  we are not sure how this is caused but we know it can be triggered or aggravated by stress factors in life and difficulties, we also know that it is not easy to pin down any 1 instance that triggers the difficulties, the short term treatment for depression is usually tablets, to increase the levels of the relevant chemicals in the brain, Anti Depressants are the tablets that help boost the levels of the good chemicals in the brain to allow a person to cope with life, there are other treatments but I wont go into those, I am talking about Anti Depressants because these are seen by some Christians as being evil and we should never use them but what I would say is that I am also Asthmatic, and I suffer a medial condition called Cluster Headaches, both of which require medication on a daily basis to prevent me becoming ill, what is so different about taking tablets to increase the levels of chemicals in my brain to keep my mental health in good condition as opposed to takign an asthma inhaler to keep my asthma under control, or taking tablets to keep my head from feeling like it is going to blow up? No one (I hope) would suggest to a diabetic, to stop taking his Insulin, or a person with a heart condition to stop taking his medication, unless of course they had a word from God about the person being healed, and even then I trust they would encourage the person to consult a Dr first, so why do you suggest that people should stop taking their anti depressants?

Anyhow, what is the point of this blog post? You might well ask, is it just to reminisce over events of a year ago? no, I would rather forget it to be honest, it is 2 fold, firstly to mark to myself how far I have come in that year, well in something like 6 months because in reality there was very little improvement until around June/July time.

But most importantly it is to speak to 2 different groups of people, firstly those who know  someone who is going through depression, to urge you to stick with them, at times it might feel as though they are throwing all your kindness and help back in your face, I know that’s what it must have felt at times for my friends, but your input into their lives is crucial and makes a huge difference to the outcome, so PLEASE continue to show them love and care for them, to be there for them as much as you are able to.

One thing I can be fairly confident of is that you know someone in your life, unless you lead a very sheltered life, who is going through or has been through very severe depression, whether or not you are aware of their depression is another matter, I would challenge you with this question, are you the kind of person someone with depression woudl choose to confide in and talk to? With me lots of people knew I was going through severe depression, largely because of how severe it was, but there were very few people I would choose to talk to, partly obviously it makes sense to keep the details and depth of things to a few people, you don’t want it too widely shared in the same way that you wouldn’t want to share the intimate details of say, breast cancer or prostate cancer, with the whole world, but there was also part of me that just didn’t want to talk to some folk because they lacked the sensitivity and understanding that was so important to me, to be blunt those folk would, and at times did, make me feel worse so why would I talk to them? so my challenge, are you the kind of person someone with depression would want to talk to and share with?

the second (and most important) group is those going through depression, don’t give up, whatever it feels like right now it can get better, it almost certainly WILL get better, life wont always be like this, I can’t say a lot that will change your situation or your life’s experience in the here and now but I can say, as one who has walked that path before you, there is more to life than depression, there is more to life than the feelings of despair and isolation, than the sense of hopelessness and helplessness, this WILL pass and you will come out the other side stronger and better than you are now, I don’t know why you are going through what you are going through, hey I am still not sure why I have had to go through the depths of depression but what I do know is that there is one who will hold onto you and not let you go, even though it feels like he has abandoned you, he will always get you through. Strange thing is I know right now exactly what your thinking, because it is almost certainly the same thing that I thought when people told me that God hadn’t abandoned me, that he was there even if I didn’t feel like he was, my answer went something like, ‘well if he hasn’t abandoned me why do I feel like he has? and surely he could let me know he is here with me’ but the truth is, I wasn’t talking to him so he couldn’t let me know! I had blocked the channels of communication through my hate of him, so how could he let me know he was there? only through his people, those he had put around me to represent him in my life, but I wasn’t listening to them either.

I know it isn’t easy but at the moment what you most need is the comfort of God but you will probably not feel/sense that directly, you will need to release yourself into his care and trust him, but also allow others to carry that light of hope with and for you.

One of the images a friend of mine had for me during some of those darkest days was of Moses when the Israelites were at war and he was ont he mountainside with his arms held high but they were weary, so he needed people to hold his arms up, just like Moses was weary and needed his arms holding, so was I and therefore my friends were holding my arms up but the times I refused, or didn’t have the strength to have them up even with help, they could hold their hands up on my behalf.

I hope this post can have been of some use to some of you out there, I don’t know what this coming year has in store for me yet, I know I am in a lot better place than I was this time last year but I am also well aware of my own vulnerability and weakness, of how close I am to depression, probably closer right now than I was a few weeks ago but that might have something to do with the weather of late, yet I know that I need to keep walking and keep myself focused on God and on what he wants me to do, I also know that I have a fantastic support network out there for me who are there for me, and who I hope I will be able to be there for should they need it.

I think one of the main things that depression has taught me is that there are some really, really, great people in my life and I just thank God for allowing me the privilege of having such fantastic friends.

In conclusion I want to give you a couple of web sites for further information on the subject of depression.

firstly there is an organisation in the UK called Time for Change, their primary focus is to raise awareness of depression and mental health issues in the UK< they have run a couple of TV adverts as well as a number of local events and are busy working with various organisations to make mental health issues less of a taboo subject and raise their profile in quarters that matter most, their web site is http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

the second organisation is an American one, called ‘To Write Love on Her Arms’ their aims are very similar but working primarily the other side of the Atlantic, their mission statement is a pretty good summary it reads: To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. and their web site address is http://www.twloha.com I hope that in some way my blog can have been an inspiration and encouragement to you whether you yourself are going through depression or you know someone who is going through depression.

If you want to contact me about this or talk about depression I would love to hear from you, I want to be here to talk to you especially if you are suffering depression or are wanting to know how best to support a friend who has Depression.

Click the ‘contact me’ button just below this message and you will find a few ways to contact me. [houdini]