Bloggers Block
I have, as you will be aware, been pretty quiet here the past few weeks, this is largely because I have had nothing to say and if I have nothing to say then I say nothing! A policy that seems to work fairly well.
Anyhow, life has been ticking along, emotions have been doing a pendulum swing pretty big time, although not with the highs more swinging between one degree of low and another and then into neutral.
Steven has still been having too many seizures, which have taken their toll on us, more particularly on Joy as I have slept through a huge number of them recently, and Natalie has been playing up big time over the past couple of months, which always has an impact on my own emotions, but we think we have cracked the worst of this, with new strategies put in place in partnership with school to try and remove the undesirable behaviour, I have to say that although I was rather sceptical the steps taken seem to have worked pretty well, although she seemed to be unwell before she went to bed tonight so I just hope she sleeps through the night, the other night Steven didn’t have any fits but Joy was up with Nat from 4am because she was unwell!
Anyhow, Steven is in respite for 4 nights, from tomorrow night, so we have a Steven free weekend, but then I am off all day Saturday at a conference in Hertfordshire, oh the Joys of it!
In other areas of life there is very little to report really, life just ticks along….. tic, toc, tic, toc….. and to be honest I still feel like I am doing little more than exist, obviously the general mood in the country, of doom and gloom, especially following a long cold winter, is not helping but this is more than that, its to do with me and where I am at, although I am working on that too, trying to create more sense of purpose and direction.
At times over the past few weeks I have been really concerned that I could end up, emotionally, where I was at the beginning of last year, which is why it has been so important to keep going at creating a sense of purpose and direction, I might not have much of a sense of worth but if I can get get some direction and focus then at least some sense of identity and worth can spring out of that, or at least that’s the theory.
It’s not that we have had any particular huge hurdles over the past few months, we seem to have had a quiet time of it, no battles to fight for the kids, nothing really happening to worry about life just goes on, and on, and on……
Counselling is going OK although at times its like wading through treacle and I wonder whether it will ever be over, and whether its actually achieving anything but I guess I know really it is achieving a lot just that in the short term it seems more pain than gain.
Friends seem to come and go, although some have remained constant, it is great to know that there are those who, having seen the worst that I can throw at them, still come back for more, that’s true friendship and I am so grateful that I have some really good friends who I can rely on to be there when I need them.
My relationship with God is not great, I really don’t know where I am at. It feels, much like the counselling, like wading through treacle, I am needing a breakthrough in this area of my life but don’t know how that can be achieved, at the moment it is enough that I am going through the motions, I know God is there but that’s about it, its like I asked this morning, on facebook ‘Where’s the sun gone?’ and joy said ‘It’s behind the clouds’ so true I know but if its behind the clouds I can’t see it and I can’t feel its warmth, well not quite like I could if it were out in a lovely blue sky. It’s like that with me and God, I am wondering where he is yet know that he is there, just that his presence if being blocked by too many clouds, so I can’t feel his warmth, yet like the sun still has its effect even when it can’t be seen we would be living in frozen wastelands if the sun were not there behind the clouds, in fact no we wouldn’t, the earth could not sustain life if it were not for the suns forces at work 24hours a day 365 days a year regardless of whether we see it or not, so it is with God, I know that he is at work, sustaining and keeping but just long to feel the warmth of his rays on me.
Anyhow, in a few weeks time we are off to North Wales, which we are so looking forward to, we are staying at a place run by good friends of ours, Paul & Christine called Trosgol, click here to visit their site for details but we have been there before and would highly recommend it for the beauty and tranquility let alone the lovely people who run it, it is nestled in the middle of the Snowdonia National Park and has wonderful views of the mountains, including the tip fo Mount Snowdon itself, although unless your a real hardened walker you will need a car for just about anything this isolation makes it ideal, in my mind, for a perfect break away from the rest of the world, unless of course you bring your laptop and take advantage of the free WIFI to get onto Facebook and tell your friends how lovely the place is.
And on from there, we have a BBQ at the beginning of the summer holidays, the second of what will probably be an annual get together of a support group I belong to.
My sister in law, Joy’s sister, is also due to get married this summer, I have been asked to be best man, slightly exciting but very apprehensive about it as I am expected to give the best mans speech and speaking in public has never been my strong point.
We also have a week’s holiday booked in Southwold over the summer, and somewhere in amongst that we need to fit in a little camping trip with Natalie, this will be her first ever time under canvas, which will have to happen when Steven is in respite at some stage.
So that’s enough from me for now,I have written more than I thought I would write, not of course suggesting it was worth reading, but then my posts are rarely worth reading.
Stale Mate
That’s how I feel, spiritually and emotionally, at the moment.
Like my life has reached one big stalemate!
I feel as though I can’t go anywhere really, just stay put moving between 2 squares, back and forth, back and forth.
I wish I could move but there seems to be no real option for movement.
Some of this ‘stale mate’ is caused by me feeling emotionally empty, unable to reach into my emotions and connect with myself, totally cold to how I feel and think, it’s almost a numbness, like not sure what’s going on not sure how I should react and unable to react all at the same time.
Now, part of this is almost certainly a result of the medication I am on for Depression, I am on very high doses of 2 different Anti Depressants and these do have the effect of blunting your emotions, this is a good and important thing to keep you ‘safe’ but it also gets in the way of true ‘recovery’ and anything of a ‘normal’ emotional life.
But the added thing is that I have, by and large sub consciously, pushed my own emotions into neutral, and tried burying the issues that I know need dealing with, the things that are getting in the way of my recovery and moving on. Part of this, as I said is largely sub conscious, learnt methods of protecting myself built up over a lifetime.
In some ways I know I need to deal with this stuff and in order to deal with it I have to face the pain but at the same time I am protecting myself from the pain by burying it because I have to ‘keep it together’ I don’t have the opportunity to allow myself to fall to pieces, I have to keep myself together and get on with everyday life.
I have to admit I am scared of letting myself deal with this stuff as I am scared of what is there; most of it I already know is not very pleasant.
I am also scared of finding myself back where i was this time last year and for this reason am protecting myself yet in a very real sense in protecting myself I am probably making the possibility of a repeat far more likely.
I am going to counselling and yet we are only able to touch around the edges of stuff as I am just finding it too difficult to open up to what’s really there, what’s really going on.
It’s not even as if I am feeling pain and hurt inside at the moment, I’m not! People ask me how I am and I can answer in all honestly I am fine, I am OK, because I am, just don’t delve too deeply because you might find it’s not as good as it first appears.
I can handle life like this but it is very dry, empty and, well pointless, I can go through the motions, with no emotion, I can do but not feel, it’s not that life is falling to bits around me but the truth is it probably needs to be allowed to fall to bits but I can’t allow that, it wouldn’t be good for me to allow that, it’s too messy, I have a life, well existence, to live, I have responsibilities and I am not sure I can handle these responsibilities and my emotions all at the same time.
There are no ‘quick fixes’ for the kind of mess that lies underneath the surface and I am not sure there is the energy within me to go for the long haul, it almost seems better to just stuff it all back inside and pretend like it’s not there, but I know that in the long run it won’t do me much good.
Spiritually I can go through the motions, read my bible, do my bit but there seems to be no real relationship with God right now, I am not in the position I was in most of last year, certainly the first half of last year, where I hated God, but I just don’t know that I can have a real relationship with him.
If I enter into much of a relationship with him he will only begin to open the wounds that are there, exposing the hurt and pain and I can’t allow that so it’s better to keep things on a flat empty level.
If I allow what’s inside of me to bubble out I know I will just fall to pieces, I will not be able to handle it and at the moment I can handle it, just about, I can just keep it inside and ignore it, that isn’t sorting the problem at all but it is saving me from the short term pain and the risk of the serious swing in my emotions I experienced last year.
I am afraid of letting my mind stay out of gear for too long because when it does all sorts of things surface, things that need to be kept under the surface, things that are best buried and hidden out of sight, the same applies at a spiritual level, I am afraid of opening up to God because it leads to my heart, it leads to the stuff that buried coming to the surface and I can’t do that.
It is so tiring and draining to live life where you can’t allow your mind to relax, where you can’t allow yourself to drop your guard and unwind, where you have to keep your brain active and mind focused on something, anything, as long as it’s not on yourself.
Now most of this is sub conscious thinking and behaviour, as I said before, learnt from a lifetime of having to protect myself from further hurt and I can’t easily change this even if I wanted to, and I am not sure whether I do want to.
How do you move forward when every move you make is going to lead to you loosing? How do you get from this place of being trapped and empty to a place of freedom? The only way of achieving it is via the route of PAIN and I am not sure I am ready for that, yet living the life I am right now is tiring and could so easily lead to the tinderbox that is my buried emotions blowing up big time.
So there you have it, I am not sure what else there is that I can easily and usefully add, I am struggling to make sense of all this myself, well not really struggling because I don’t want to make sense of it, if things remain as they are I suspect that I might as well stop counselling as it isn’t really going to resolve anything, part of me WANTS to resolve things but another part of me doesn’t, part of me wonders HOW I can resolve things yet another part of me wonders how I can keep it buried and prevent it from all blowing up on me.
If only someone could just say some words and make things better for me, but I know that isn’t going to happen, it’s not likely that God will just come and sort things out over night so that I wake totally better, there is a process that has to be gone through but it’s a process I am not sure I am ready for, not sure I ever will be ready for, in the meantime, life will trundle on, I will continue to exist and don what needs to be done, until I fall to pieces again. But as long as I can keep my mind from straying into undesirable territory I should be able to keep going for a bit longer.
Back to the title of the post, Stale Mate, I sometimes wonder whether it would be better for me to just end the stalemate by going for Checkmate! But that again is just too dangerous so stale mate is where we have to stay.
[houdini]
Keeping Warm, somehow!
THose who follow me on Twitter or Facebook (and if you dont but want to click the links and you will be taken to my pages) will know that we have been suffering from lack of heating, our boiler has stopped working.
Well, the saga started some months ago, the boiler had stopped heating water, the boiler still seemed to be working although it would cut out occasionally, so we had the Boiler guys round to sort it, they basically said that we had to replace the boiler as it was beyond economical repair, we asked them for a quote but knowing that we could not afford to replace it ourselves, having only just forked out for new electrical wiring, we also went through Warm Front to see if we could get a grant for the replacement.
in the interim we have been using the Kettle to boil water in the Kitchen and the electric shower for hot water in the bathroom, thankfully we have an electric shower otherwise it would have been pretty dire.
Anyhow, We applied and then had to wait, that was back in September, we were told there would be a significant wait for an assessment, we eventually had a visit just before Christmas, we have previously had a grant for insulation work and knew that we still qualified.
Since applying for the grant the heating has got worse, before & over Christmas it was cutting out several times a day, but we were coping, in spite of pretty chilly weather.
When the assessor eventually came, just before Christmas, not after me chasing them up! she did all the paperwork and said that we would hear from them again, well we are still waiting, reading the info she provided though, it would take at least 6 months froma quote being prepared for Warm Front, by the contractor who has not yet contacted us, before they could give the go ahead.
We did explain that we were in a iffuclt situation as the boiler was so bad and Nat has a tendency to chest problems so we were worried about that with her in the cold and damp, in the event I think Steven is the one who seems to have suffered the most, all to no avail, they basically say ‘we are not an emergency service it takes at least 6 Months’ as they wont replace a boiler on the grant unless it needs replacing, usually because it no longer works, and most boiler break down during the winter, surely they ought to provide a quicker service than this?
However, with the introduction of the Boiler Scrapage Scheme, we thought we could see a light at the end of the tunnel, the final piece of the jigsaw was someone offering to loan us part of the money for the boiler, so we contacted the installer to find out about the £400 Boiler scrapage, only to find out that it only applies to Boilers which are ‘G’ rated, the vast majority of boilers would not come under this scheme as they are more efficient than a ‘G’ rated Boiler, when they are working of course!
Anyhow, we decided to bit the bullet anyhow and get the boiler fixed, we will need to borrow some of the money but should be able to make the figures stack up, just hope we dont get any interest rate rises or cuts in income, otherwise our finances are going to be in a bit of a pickle! but at least we will be warm.
So, having decided to go ahead I called the company, Pronto Plumbers, yesterday they have said they can install the new boiler on Tuesday/Wednesday, They at least, in contrast to Warm Front, understand the urgency of the matter, they are a company we have used many times for servicing and maintenance and know that we can trust them with the work, David Lamber, the guy who owns the company, is a really decent sort of bloke who I believe can be trusted.
So I am expecting/predicting this cold snap will end at the end of next week, we could even be in for an early spring, although I am hoping that the cold weather will last a little longer, just long enough for us to appreciate our new boiler.
Obviously with the extreme cold weather we have been experiencing we have been struggling to keep the house warm, we now have a total of 4 electric heaters, 2 convector and 2 fan, to keep the house (bungalow) warm, they are running pretty much 24/7 because they are not able to heat the place up from cold very quickly so it is better to not let it get too cold but the shock will be when the electric bill comes in! one thing I am truly NOT looking forward to, our energy supplier has an online graph that compares consumption year on year, will be interesting to see how things have gone, obviously our Gas consumption is down so we cant be blamed for putting the countries supplies at breaking point.
Anyhow, thats enough ramblign from me, it is my bed time. [houdini]
Christmas Greetings & the year in review (briefly!)
OK so I though, we are at the end of the year, we have failed to send out many Christmas Cards, so if you haven’t had one from us and expected one the our apologies, if you have received one your one of the few. So if you could accept this little blog post, complete (if it all works) with an animated video Christmas Card! a few shots we took in the snow the other day, as our Christmas Card to you, that would be great.
Christmas Greetings from the Cavanagh Family – Click on the link to get the video, it seems I am unable to import the clip at the moment, for some reason!
Also, the trend these days is towards sending out ‘news letters’ with Christmas Cards, so in an effort to not miss the boat on this trend I am giving a brief (well lets see just how brief when we get to the end shall we!) precee of the year, if your not interested or already know all this just stop reading here. OK so if your reading on then I assume that you want to know the following info. The year started on a low, certainly for me personally, Depression was keeping me at rock bottom, it got even worse, January, February & March were pretty grim, some of you know just how grim it got but it wasn’t good. Fortunately we have a number of really good friends who have been there for us in our times of need, I cant even begin to mention those who did so much, through this year and the end of last year, to support our family for fear of causing offence by missing some out . Suffice to say, we have been extremely grateful to those who have been there for us, who have supported us in so many ways, who have, at times, walked through a huge amount of mire and grime with us and taken a huge amount of negative stuff from me in the process, you guys know who you are and thanks is not enough to cover it, I love you, each of you and can only hope that, if the tables are turned, I will be there for you just as you have been here for me. Depression is not an easy condition to live with, even more so for a Christian, for all sorts of reasons, but it is one that I have had to live with for some time now, I would readily swap it for something else but God has seen fit to allow this to affect my life and all I can do is trust in him in and through the dark times. At the beginning of the year, for me, everything was so bleak and black that I didn’t really care whether I lived or died, I felt as though I was just existing, and barely doing that at times. In spite of the fact that I started the year so low I have to say that much has been achieved in me this year, it is incredible to think where I was at a year ago and look at where I am now. At Easter we managed to get away to Dalesdown, a holiday run for Families of Autistic Children, we had a fantastic support there, from the team as a whole, both kids had carers allocated to them, allowing us to have some breathing space. Incredibly, Natalie got offered a place at a special school in the area, this was incredible because we had been convinced, based on the initial reactions, that the LEA were not going to allow her to go without a fight, in the end they just agreed. So it is with very mixed feelings that this summer Nat had her last day at her village Lower school, a school that had really taken her and our family into their hearts and had come to mean so much to us, the staff had all been fantastic, we presented the school with a new ‘friendship bench’ as a token of our gratitude to them for the care they had shown to Nat. During the Spring Bank Half Term, we had the whole house completely re-wired (electrics) we took the kids away for the week to allow the work to go on unhindered, we went to Southwold and had a great holiday. After we were back I re-decorated Nat’s bedroom, she has had a complete makeover, with new furniture, new lamp shade, new bed, painted walls & border, most of which was chosen by her, especially the girly pink paint. Painting was something I struggled with, I don’t do paint if I can avoid it, but I managed it. During the summer both children went on summer playschemes for 3 weeks, which they both seemed to enjoy. then we went off on another weeks holiday, to Mersey Island, a beautiful little island that is tucked away in Essex, not somewhere we would usually think of going but we had a good time. Whilst we were away, Johys mum and a friend from church got in and decorated our living room, as well as helping clear and de-clutter the rest of the house. The summer ended with me back to work, part time, initially just 3 mornings a week, In the autumn I had 2 conferences to go to, both in London, which is some feat for me as I don’t like travel in London at the best of times, but God was gracious and the journeying, on the second conference, when I was on my own, went incredibly well. In September as well, Natalie started her new school, she is loving it there, and thriving, in no way do we want to criticise her previous school because they were excellent but we have realised even more since she changed school that this was the right time to do it, I think the previous school achieved as much as they could with her and its now over to the special school to work on this and move her forward, indeed the new school have been really impressed with the way she settled into the school and the fact that she didn’t have as many issues as other children coming from mainstream settings, a testimony to the skill and dedication of the staff at her previous school. She is thriving in the school and is a very popular child, with staff and children alike, which is just how it was at her previous school. As for Steven, he is still happy and enjoying life, he has just turned 15 last week and, even though he doesn’t speak it is strange to hear his voice having now broken, when he gurgles and giggles, Steven seems to love life generally and especially loves to swim. We have now had to start looking at his future, beyond schooling, which is a scary prospect in itself. He is still having big problems with hi epilepsy, there has been a sharp increase in seizure rate over the past few weeks as we have decided to try a different medication, which means withdrawing one of the 3 meds he is currently on before introducing the new one, the withdrawal process has an inevitable effect on seizure frequency although not as bad as we had feared it might be. Steven is also a very popular child and all the staff, both at school and his respite placement, love having him, we feel so honoured to have such adorable children, even though they are extremely hard work. Joy has continued to soldier on through thick and thin, she has been a tremendous support to me and taken on a huge extra burden this year as I have been unable to do as much as I should through large parts of the year, this has inevitably left her shattered at times, well most of the time, especially with having to be up at all hours with Steven’s seizures, which mainly occur over night. So to today, I have just finished my last morning in the office this year, it feels good to be able to write that. Christmas day we are at church in the morning then, following on from the success of last years Christmas Day meal, we are out again this year, at a Restaurant, a bit of an expense but one which helps to make our day special.
Happy 65 Birthday Grandpa..
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Verse of the day:- NLTverse: I have had one message ... of repenting from sin ... and of having faith in our Lord Jesus. Acts 20:21 NLT http://ow.ly/2zRSe 07/09/2010NLTverse: I have had one message ... of repenting from sin ... and of having faith in our Lord Jesus. Acts 20:21 NLT http://ow.ly/2zRSe […]
- NLTverse: I have had one message ... of repenting from sin ... and of having faith in our Lord Jesus. Acts 20:21 NLT http://ow.ly/2zRSe 07/09/2010
